well the majority of this blog will probably be dedicated to my “social life”
i know something’s stirring up.
I don’t understand why every time I try to get over you, something, there’s ALWAYS something that brings me back.
and i hate it.
because i want to stop the hurt.
I want to move on.
I really don’t like this household and I have every intention to move out as early as I can. They can do good things, but for the most part, the way they behave is repulsive. Most of the times, all I see is ignorance, over reaction, and immature statements and threats.
I’m not sure why I had a fear of staying up to complete assignments last minute.
Oh wait. I just thought of a possible reason-
A couple of weeks ago, I pulled two weeks, trying to get assignments in on time and I really reached a breaking point as I typed up an essay in school. I was literally down trodden and did not want to continue. I dreaded what I was doing to myself. I realized that I was forcing myself to the point of pure unwillingness to complete what was due. I never experienced it before and it just surprised me to find out what my limit was. But, I guess after a few weeks to recover, I’m somewhat alright although the idea still frightens me once in a while.
What I’ve always wanted to do was buy a homeless person food and then just talk with him/her. I mean, I’ve done it once (without the food) but my friend who tagged along didn’t look so comfortable lol
but then again, that was when I started wandering around the city and I was just so excited about everything.
Today, I talked about art with a co-worker. It was so refreshing to just talk about art with someone. We talked about our passions in the art field and the kinds of course we’ve taken and above all, how tough it was to make it out in the art world due to its under appreciation. Like he said, I have to find a balance between what I want and what’s available out there.
I have to remember this and pick myself up and keep becoming better.
for a large portion of the day, all i could think about was all the memories we had together and it bugged me so much because i thought i pushed you out entirely.
It bothers me that I still have some leftover feelings for you because for the most part, I don’t want to. I even thought about talking to you personally about it.
At one point, I liked someone very much. He was a great friend. He listened. He shared his stories. He was kind. He was caring.
But, his flaws got in the way. I hated it. I hated how they did. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I disliked them. I forgot most of his good qualities. I focused on the bad, and then I lost him. I stopped talking to him. I stopped visiting him. I stopped caring.
We’re still “friends”. We hang out, but it’s far from the same anymore. There’s a distance for sure. I don’t get too close to him and he does the same. Maybe, he stopped caring about me altogether. Maybe everything has been pushed to the back of his mind, locked away and ignored.
We never talk about it.
I thought I stopped liking him. That’s the worst part. I thought I did.
But, there’s always that tiny part of me that misses what we had and sometimes, the regret hits me like an invisible slap on the face. Whenever he does something with another girl, I get a little jealous and sometimes sad. But I know, it was all my fault and I’ve got to carry on.